Saturday, August 9, 2008

Tough night...

For some reason this is one of those nights when I just can't sleep. I just can't turn my mind off. Maybe its the anesthesia they used yesterday morning for my "port-a-cath" surgery, (which went well by the way). Maybe I've left a small window of opportunity for satan to use his tools of fear, worry and deceit, to infiltrate my thoughts. Or, maybe, its God whispering to me, prompting me to lean on Him even more. I don't have many of these nights but, when I do, they usually last late into the night and result in a blog update the next day. Apparently, this one can't wait until the morning...

Tonight I'm thinking of the cancer and how evil it can be. I can't get it out of my head that no matter what I do now, radiation, chemo, exercise, eating right, there are no guarantees that the cancer won't come back. My chances are improved by all of these things but none offer a guarantee to beat the cancer. If you've ever faced an illness like this you know what I mean. If you haven't, picture yourself standing at the base of a mountain looking up at this ominous obstacle in your way. (By the way, this is a "5 year mountain", meaning that, no matter what you do, it will take you that long to climb it.) You know there is no way around it so you have to climb it to continue on with your journey. When you begin your accent you soon realize the mountain is much larger and much more real than it was when you were just looking at it from it's base. As you continue up the trail you lose energy and your breathe. That's when the doubt and fear creep in and begin to eat away at your motivation and faith. That's also when you begin to look around to see how you are doing compared to the others on the trail.  Most of the time you see the others on this mountain and receive inspiration from them. There really are a lot of champions on the mountain who will make it to the top. The champions that really stand out are those who haven't made it to the top yet but keep trying and cheer the rest of us on and who keep their faith strong.
Those who stand out most to me, by far, are those who can only be seen by me. Those are the people walking behind and in front of me, urging me on, clearing the path, pushing me, and making camp for me when I'm too tired to take another step. And, the one at my side, is the one who hears my prayers and responds by tightening the rope between me and Him and breathes a gentle flow of oxygen into my lungs. Those are my champions. I thank God for all of you who are climbing this mountain with us and shouting such encouraging words and prayers for us. Unless you are going through this now or have gone through it in the past you can't possibly understand how much strength we draw from each of you.
Tonight my prayer is this;
"Lord God, I thank you for your love. I thank you for your grace. I thank you for your mercy. Without you or any one of these attributes I could not make it another day. I thank you for the obstacle that you've allowed to be placed in our life and for walking beside us as we begin this trek. I realize that this obstacle has a purpose in our life that you have designed and timed perfectly. My prayer is that I will allow you to complete your work in me and not to become an obstacle to you as you make me into the man you want me to be. Lord, I also thank you for those around me who you use to inspire and encourage me. I count it such a privilege to be a part of this journey with them but pray that I can be strong enough to not let them down. Again, I thank you for the love, grace and mercy you share with me every day. Amen."

11 comments:

Anonymous said...

Russ thank for being so faithful in keeping us informed. We continue to pray for you and your family. Thank God for the job and the good report from the doctor. How good our God is. Thank you Russ for your honesty and testimony. You are an encouragement. Continue to climb that mountain. God bless.
Don & Lola

Anonymous said...

hi friend! As im sitting her at 2 am i want so much to find the right words to say to encourage your heart, your mind... i cry for you dear sweet friend. I know how tired you are...and that the mountain you are climbing is indeed high. But it is never to high for our Saviour. Never to large for Him to overcome and give you strength. Never to daunting of a journey for our most powerful and amazing God. He will sustain you. He will carry you through. And when you feel like you can't possibly take one more step, He will uphold you with His righteous right hand. I pray you are resting well and sweetly tonight. I love you!!

Anonymous said...

Hi, Russ and Robyn! We continue to pray for you as you face your mountain - for courage and encouraged hearts. We are so thankful to hear that the surgery was a success and that there is great hope for our prayers for complete healing to be answered with a resounding, "Yes!" How grateful we are that you are using these trials to bring honor and glory to God, admitting your frailty and that He is the only One who could possibly keep you going. Oh, how we pray that each of us who reads your blog (your heart) will grow deeper in our understanding of God and His love and that others will come to know Him personally because you were willing to be transparent, giving Him the glory. We love you both - Cody too! :) Hugs!
Hollie, Brent and our 4 Doddlings

Anonymous said...

Russ, we consider it a privilege that you allow us to share this mountain with you. Our prayers continue for your physical and spriritual strength and for healing. Prayers are also sent up for Robyn, Cody, Ashley and her family.

Jodi Dennis said...

Russ , I can hear you shouting at the mountian. God is right there listening too. WIth a tear in His eye.. He loves you !! Reach out and hang on..He will never let you slide back down what you have already conquered !
You're in my prayers.

Anonymous said...

Hey Russ!!!!! I've never done the blog comment thing before. Are typo's ok or is evertbody going to think I'm a moron? Just the fact that I've never done a blog is enough to make people wonder. Buddy, your messages and thoughts are priceless and way beyond what most of us would ever write or express. i think its cool that you can put your thougts and cares in writing for the world to see. I also think it's healthy. It gives us all something to pray and think about. You said it the other night when we were together, that how awesome it is for you to see God work in so many lives through your situation. I know for a fact that takes us down to build us up. It's amazing how much we trust and obey when we are wounded and what a wonderful place to be. There is so much peace when you KNOW that God has you right where he wants you and there is nothing you can do about it other than follow. The mountain thing is so true and so intimidating. God has the map and he is leading, so trying to figure out HOW to get to the top is not an issue...just follow the leader and rest easy. (easier said than done)

Love you brother
BFF (that's so wrong)

BRUUUUUUCE

Anonymous said...

Russ,
It's so wonderful to think about the fact that there's no mountain too high that our God can't get us to the top of and over. He also told us in Matt. 17:20 if we have faith the size of a mustard seed we can say to this mountain move from here to there and it will move and nothing will be impossible to you. Judging by all the entries I've read from your blog, your faith definitely appears to be a lot bigger than that tiny mustard seed. I want to leave you with a passage I read just before I went to sleep last night. It's from John 11:4 - "This sickness is not to end in death, but for the Glory of God, so that the Son of God may be glorified by it." I'm believing this for you my brother.
Robyn, I know you already know this, but you have such an incredible husband and family. Thanks for being such a Godly helpmate and an inspiration to others who deal with spouse's with medical issues. Love to you all.
Bernie Hoover

Anonymous said...

It is so encouraging and comforting to know that you are not alone as you walk this journey. May you not grow weary, but continue to trust and to believe that God will give you just what you need at that exact moment. Love, Jeanette

Anonymous said...

just thinking of you today! :)

Anonymous said...

I am humbled and in awe at your words...

"Unless you are going through this now or have gone through it in the past you can't possibly understand how much strength we draw from each of you."

Russ you are amazing. Most people would UNDERSTANDABLY say.. "You don't know what it is like because you haven't gone through this!" You have such a positive perspective with your words.

I am confident that God is so pleased with you. I am with Robyn... I, too, believe in miracles!

Pastor Phil said...

Russ -- thanks for the report. "Report" doesn't do justice but highlights the impact of the word picture that we are drawn into. I'd be surprised if someone reading your blog has no experience with cancer. No, I've never been diagnosed with it but my family and work experience certainly know it.

The lines fro a hymn of the past come to mind, "God will make a way, when there seems to be no way." As a traveler, crossing flat land isn't very exciting. However, when there are mountains and valleys, streams, rocks, green grass, cows, horses, wildlife -- all of a sudden it is worth having clean windows. I'll get back to the windows in a minute. Your life journey has taken you to new valleys and new heights. You know the desert and the green grass of home. All of these experiences are heightened by the awareness of God's presence with you along the way. Traveling through life "alone" is less than what God intended. We, your friends, are also your traveling partners -- as we read the blog and visit with you and hear your experience. As others have said, thank you for the window into your life.

Okay, back to the window. How often do you clean the inside of your windshield? Not very often right? It becomes gray and less than clear as the interior oxyidizes and sticks to the glass. Reading God's word helps to clean the glass, make the road ahead more clear and worth the trip. It also gives others a look at your life also. Why are we here if not for us to travel God's path and others take note of our road map, provisions, plans and goal. I will say it again, you're a great example for others to follow. Those of us following you may also be taking the same turns you've taken. Lead on brother!